surprised myself at the very fact that im posting again.. but i guess i do need an avenue to vent a bit of my frustrations, so to say, and because i'd promised syah yesterday that i'd post. and i prolly do have some accounting of my life to do, to people who perhaps still read this page, though the numbers are few are far between...

i've thought of changing the address of my blog for privacy purposes, but i couldn't bear to forego this address that has been around for about 7 years now... and that's the problem - i hate changes.

change is the only constant in one's life - too true, too much sense in that sentence. small changes that would barely effectuate a change in your life are usually welcomed, simply because there are hardly felt. but decisions that causes its accompanying change to encroach into the normality of your life... they are often way too tough to make, and many a times, i dont dare to. because i dont want to face that change.

sounds a lot like blabbering here, but point that i wna make is. im afraid that when i leave, things will change. im afraid of being away from the family, away from my friends, away from the life i've been leading for 18years, in Singapore. who and what will i become if i leave for the UK?

i've had this choice to make ever since i was 12- but i didnt want to leave this comfort zone. after wasting about 1.5 years in SA, coming to this decision, to many, may seem like a huge waste of my time. but whats important is my ultimate destination.

i've been struggling so hard in SA these 14 odd months- not so much because i can't absorb the content, but because i can't even bring myself to get started with absorbing it. i've tried, but the environment is just not suited for me. its been an arduous journey before arriving at this decision, but it is a necessary one to make. just 4 days ago, i had no direction in life; i had no idea what degree, much less career, i wanted to pursue. but now, having spoken to friends and the counsellor, i feel so much more settled. i feel like i have my future finally planned out, i finally have something to work towards, something to work for. i have a goal.

i am not going to deny that i am petrified. settling down in a new environment with strangers all alone. all alone... embarking on a new chapter of my life, all by myself. just years ago, i told my best friend who left to Canada to study, that she had nothing to fear. but why am i the one whose so afraid now?

its not so much about not being able to make new friends there or any sort like that, its about being in a foreign place, without the comfort of my family and my usual company. its the fear of leaving everyone and everything i have in Singapore. especially my best friend whom need me and whom i need. i guess this is very much part and parcel of life; nothing good ever lasts forever. people come and go in your life, some are here to stay. those they leave temporarily, if they are meant to stay, if you want them to stay, they would never have left you, no matter which part of the planet your on.

hence, i'd to assure you syah, that it has been long established, that i want and need you in my life. you are one to stay in my life forever. no matter where on earth i am or you are, we would never have left each other. our friendship has withstood months of not speaking to each other, but recall that every conversation over the phone we have after those few quiet months of no news from each other of each other's respective lives is one that makes us feel just as close, like those few months were just a matter of days, or those few months never really existed. because syah, it will always be the same between us. nothing will ever change. i just read your blog, and i know many of your good friends are leaving. Shermaine, now Justin and I, your brother in Melbourne. and many a times, it makes you feel so pointless in opening yourself up to people who eventually leave you. but syah, they only leave you, if you think they did.

im not one who give friendships i TREASURE up easily. friends whom i think are disposable, will never be my friend in the first place. its obvious who matters to me and who doesnt. because all my friends do, otherwise, they are not in the first place.

i guess this doesn't just apply to syah... but all my friends whom i might leave. it must be tough for angs as well now that his best buddy is leaving. but when we are put in such a predicament, faith in the friendship established is what determines an everlasting one like i know i have with fairoza, bridget, syahidah, eva, shaun, justin, aaron, elisha, joey, natalie, simin, naquiya, ivena, peiling, jasper and so on...

embrace the change... i'm trying my best. really am.